It’s here!!! Finally! I’ve been waiting a very long time to give this to you all, and now, I am finally able to do so. It’s been a long, tough, inspirational journey, and this collection of songs represents all of it.
I returned from New York City in March of 2011, to West Palm Beach, Florida. I’d had a son with my soulmate, Cristin, and we found ourselves struggling immensely to give him a great life there. Anyone who has been an NYC transient knows what it takes to live there for oneself. We came to the conclusion that we wanted more comfort and stability for our new son to grow up in. So we made the conscious decision to move away from our beloved NYC, back to our native south Florida.
What followed for me personally was one of the most excruciatingly depressive lows I’ve ever experienced. (As a sidenote: I believe myself to be an overwhelmingly, sometimes naively positive individual, so what I was experiencing was not a part of any pattern or known feelings for me.) Everything I saw, heard, felt, tasted, or touched fell under the cold, intimidating shadow of New York City. I lived in this inescapable vortex of comparison and resentment, until finally I caved under its pressure and turned inward. This “devolution” affected my interaction with my friends, my family, and every other part of my everyday life.
In May of 2011, I returned to NYC for a brief visit, and while there, discussed what I could verbalize at the time with my Aunt Teri. She happily loaned to me a book to which I owe a huge debt of gratitude: The Art Of Happiness, by The Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler. The result of reading this book was a challenge by me, to me, to liquidate my resentment, my unhappiness, my fear, my nostalgia, everything which had, in the space of a few short, eternal months, built up into a raging fire of anger and depression.
In June, I began writing music again. I started by trying to make what I loved, House music, intertwined with what I was dealing with. That effort was a discouraging failure. House music leaves little space for anything but positivity and encapsulation of good times. As time went on, I spent more time writing the way I felt, rather than the way I thought my emotions should be heard. I wrote 104 songs last summer, trying to sort through everything and figure out what was going on with me. From that pile of nonsense came 11 songs which I humbly offer to you as a pure expression of that time in my life.
I offer this to you a year later because I was afraid last year. I jumped into trying to shop this material around to labels and to promote it all, and to try and generate some sort of validation, all to no avail. The fear that no one would care about what I had to say led to me shelving (almost deleting…) all of it. You know how us “artists” get…
I’m no longer afraid. I’ve been fortunate in so many ways, and I vowed when I shelved it all last year that I would revisit it in a year, and if, in a year, I could still feel the fire that I felt when it was fresh, I would do something about it. So this is me doing something about it.
I thank you, the listener, from the bottom of my happy heart, for taking the time to listen, to appreciate, and to form any semblance of an opinion. Enjoy with great diligence!
Following a trail of output from Xpans would lead to his seminal major release, Deep Sand, on Sheeva Records in 2010,
featuring legendary vocalist CeCe Rogers. Since that time, this prolific DJ and producer has built a consistent catalogue of releases, both on Sheeva and on his own imprint, Rug Music. More info and music can be found... well... everywhere. TGF Google.